Open letter to all banks from the government that likes to say 'Yes' (to you, the banks)
Dear Governors, Chairs and other social pariahs,
You will no doubt be aware that we, the British Government, have capitulated and announced that we cannot micro manage the institutions that you control (including ourselves).
We are very sorry that we ever threatened to do something about the system of bonus payments operated by your good selves. We were clearly wrong in suggesting that these payments were obscene. Risk taking is a valued characteristic within western liberal democracies and the natural extension of this is that excessive risk taking must be of even higher value.
We obviously understand only too well what it is like to be accused of abusing a generous system and, whilst we were well and truly caught out, will endeavour to help you out where we can.
We would like you to remember that many of our most honest and trustworthy representatives are indeed working for your respectable and socially responsible institutions. They sit on your boards and help you make decisions about how best to maximise your profits by (over)lending to all sorts of people, institutions, governments etc. They then provide you with the best quality laws to keep debtors over a barrel and when they climb or fall off that barrel come up with ways to bail you out.
We must assure you that whilst we are publicly insistent that you start lending to small businesses, we don't really give a damn. We will continue to put people out of work so that they can fail on their mortgage payments and you can reposess their homes. This of course is a win win situation as we can then blame them for their overextending themselves and being lazy and unworthy to retain their jobs. Further to this we will then put them on work programme type schemes which will have the ability to remove their undeserved benefits once they fail to become employed again.
Should the ignorant masses have other ideas about the natural outcomes of our capitalist system we will, of course, quash them to the best of our ability. No alternatives will be considered by your government and we will continue to support you whilst making tutting noises for 'the look of it'.
Please keep up the good work
We remain your ever faithful lackey
The Coalition Government
